Let the Fire Burn the Ice
by ParcaLuna
Summary: Will has always been a harsh person to work with. He is often so harsh, that others fear him. Can Grell break through and be the fire to melt Will's icy heart? Or will William stay locked thanks to a hard past? rated M for future chapters, language, self mutilation, and references to drug use. If you do not like yaoi and/or Mpreg do not continue reading.
1. Anger

**WARNING: rated M for violence, language, references to drug use and self mutilation, and later smut. If you do not like boy on boy romances and/or mpreg, please do not read on. The characters in the following chapter belong to Yano Toboso the author of Kuroshitsuji.**

The red reaper leapt from rooftop to rooftop still reeling from the adrenaline of his last kill. Though it was technically his job to "kill" and reap souls, Grell still managed to feel excitement from the rush of painting the streets of London a beautiful crimson red with the victim's blood. He knelt atop one rooftop taking in the sight of a beautiful milky full moon. In the strangest of ways, he felt truly at peace on these missions and for one moment could escape the doubtful feelings he had for himself lately.

You see, Grell was no ordinary reaper. While he was biologically male, he felt like a beautiful, feisty woman. And he wanted what any woman wanted: a husband to love, ravage, and support him and the pitter patter of little feet. But Grell constantly went for cold, cruel men who would reject him in the worst of ways. Yet Grell tried his damndest to find love and never give up. One of those cruel men was seen walking down the streets with food he had purchased at a local Asian market. The red reaper grinned showing his array of sharp, pointy teeth and prepared himself to leap at his star-crossed love.

Grell backed up and leaped off of the building aiming right at his sexy demon butler. However, the raven-haired demon new better and swiftly stepped to the side causing Grell to fall face down into the gravel road.

"Predatory mutts are usually careful not to get caught by prey," said Sebastian nonchalantly.

"Oh such cruel words," said Grell, "But I suppose I can forgive my naughty Romeo!" The reaper then leaped onto the butler's back. "So then, has the brat finally let you out on your own for a while?"

"Young master has sent me out to prepare a meal for a potential business collaborator from Hong Kong. I have no time for these little games."

"But Bassy!" the desperate reaper said melodramatically has he held on, his feet dragging while Sebastian walked, "We never spend any quality time together! Besides you owe me 24 hours of your time and I have chosen to use my token now!" He brushed his fingers over the demon's perfect features. "And you are ripe for the picking!"

The demon smirked, fuming inside himself with disgust at the retched creature that held onto him now. "I will have no part in this silly fantasy. First of all Sutcliff, I would pity any child born from you if possible. Secondly, I must tend to my master if you would please excuse me…"

"Please!" Grell cried, "I need my fill of Bassy! Please I'll do anything! Just a simple kiss!"

"Anything?" The tricky demon said turning to face the young reaper.

"Anything at all!"

"Well then," Sebastian smirked, "It would help if you would…" He faked as if he was about to say something, but all of a sudden he kicked Grell, literally, in the butt sending him flying through the air. Grell closed his eyes preparing for impact when he felt nothing at all. As a matter of fact, he felt arms around him.

"That will not be necessary foul demon." Grell recognized the voice of his superior, William T. Spears. "Oh Will!" the red reaper squealed in delight, "You've come to save me!"

Will ignored the excited glees of his former partner (plus the assaults of kisses attacking his face) and roughly set him down on his butt (Grell was sure going to be sore…and not in the way he wanted. "What are doing demon? Come scavenging for another soul?"

"Not at all reaper," Sebastian said with his usual fake smile, "I was just on my way home to tend to my young lord."

"It better stay that way," said Will, wielding his long extendable scythe inches away from the demons foot, "I won't have you meddling with Shinigami affairs or rough handling my workers." Sebastian simply shrugged and carried the groceries to the Phantomhive manor.

"Oh Will!" Grell cried hugging his boss, "You saved me! You really do care!" The brunette Shinigami pushed him off. "We have much to discuss considering your punishment. You know you should not be socializing with such filthy soul bandits! They cause havoc to our very being as soul reapers!"

"Oooo is someone jealous that young Grelly is having some fun with another man?" Grell said smiling, "You know you don't have to beat around the bush! Mmm! Two men fighting over me just makes me…" Before he could finish his gushing, Will smacked Grell so hard across his face he made a little yelp and fell onto the ground.

"Would you quit being so careless?!" yelled Will. Grell has never heard him talk this harsh and loud before and to be honest, it quite scared him (and not in a good way). "It's careless reapers like you that are the reason we are so behind! I am this close to demoting you but you still won't learn your lesson! You will now have to stay until 3 in the morning each day for a month catching up on all the chaos you created!"

"W…Will it honestly isn't that bad…I…I…I'm sure we can catch up…we always have…it's not my fault!"

"Shut up you disgusting whore! Another thing is your loose reputation is giving us a bad name! Your unprofessionalism makes me ashamed that I once served side by side with you! I have been way too lenient with you! You start your overtime today!" He held up Grell by his long red hair and dragged him back to the dispatch, the poor reaper crying silent tears as they left…

~~~**Sorry this is so short. This is just how I want to get things going. I promise there will be more exciting stuff. Please me gentle as this is my first story posted to this site :)**


	2. Pain

DISCLAIMER: All characters except for Jeremy and Grell's stupid parents belong to Yana Toboso, creator of Kuroshitsuji (Black Butler). However, the back stories and ways the dispatch runs are my original ideas. Warning this chapter has some violent scenes including implied child abuse, killing, and self mutilation so be warned. This is rated M for later chapters and includes violence, smut, references to drug use, suicide and self mutilation. If you are not into yaoi/Mpreg do not read further.

Will eventually left Grell to his own in his office having to do several piles of paperwork. This part of being a Shinigami was the most boring part, especially for Grell. Once a person's soul was reaped, the reaper must view his or her cinematic record and put down the findings. It was then to be copied, filed and eventually organized into the library. Basically, this was the sitting part of the job and Grell hated it. But at this moment this was the least of his worries. For the first time, he admitted to himself the emptiness he had always felt. Though he had many good friends at the dispatch, he still felt lonely. He did not have a companion to come home to who would love him and support him no matter what. Grell had cats for a while and even some dogs in his life time, but animals were not ageless as he was and eventually he lost every one of his loyal friends.

_Of course Grell knew he was born a man. He wasn't that stupid! It was forced into his head every day when he was little by his father. He always felt these feelings of being different, but of course back then such a thing was a heresy. Grell's mother didn't do anything to help. All she did was sit there and watch both her children get beaten and chastised every day. Grell's older brother Jeremy eventually had enough and ran off with his male lover which completely distanced him from his family. Grell was left alone to get hurt even worse._

_ When Grell grew up, he finally moved away. But his father became even worse and Grell even tried to get his mother to come with him. But one day, he closed up his flower shop early and decided to pull her out of the home. When he arrived, he found his mother…dead…she was pale and he could clearly see hand marks around her throat. Something inside Grell snapped and he could no longer let this man get away with murder. He stroked his mother's cheek and angry tears fell. "Why didn't you leave?" he cried trembling and angry, "Why did you let him hurt you…hurt us?!" His yellow green eyes narrowed and all he can feel was hatred and wrath._

_ Grell went outside to the barn grabbing his father's shotgun and loading it. He searched everywhere and eventually found his father sitting in the dining room…eating…as though nothing happened! This fueled Grell's rage even more. But then again…he looked rather vulnerable…back facing him. A predatory rage came through in Grell and he smiled. "Such a pity…you never were the smartest man!" _

_ With that he reached through the door, aimed the barrel, and shot his father in the leg sending blood and flesh everywhere. He screamed in agony and turned to face his attacker. "Y…you! You fucking bastard! You don't have the guts! You are not my son!"_

_ Grell simply smiled with pity. "You are right about one thing old man," he pointed the barrel at the man's forehead," "You are NOT my father!" With that a gunshot could be heard in the distance. Grell's enraged insane persona vanished when he realized…people will come for him…they'll kill him! They will put him with a bunch of men! I am NOT going to a prison where they will mistreat a lady! And with that…he went out to the barn…took a long rope…and hung himself from a high beam._

_ When next he woke up, he realized his wasn't dead! They would catch him! He tried to yell but instead starting coughing. "You must relax now," said an older silver reaper who was tending to him. He wore a gray, buttoned suit. His silvery, white hair went past his back but did not shield his face. His eyes were bright, chartreuse green. He smiled at the young reaper and said, "Welcome to your new life." The man later known as Undertaker smiled. And so Grell began his new life as a reaper._

_ Apparently because his death happened ahead of schedule and did not appear in the book of death, he became a Shinigami. Most of the time, these creatures committed suicide in their human lives, but sometimes they were simply picked by higher up Shinigami or the elders. Undertaker definitely felt Grell had potential to become a great death reaper._

_ Grell was very shy when he first joined the dispatch. But then he made friends with two special people: Eric Slingby and Eric's later lover, Alan Humphries. Eric was a strong Scotsman who had blond hair that was in cornrows on one side opening to his normal soft hair on the other side. He had a bit of a goatee forming on his chin and wore blue shaded spectacles. While he was a strong tough reaper, he was always very caring and supportive of his friends. Especially Grell. So he did all he can to get the at the time brunette on his feet._

_ Then there was Alan, who later joined them a couple years after Grell had. Alan had died during a robbery. He had seen the horrible things they were doing to people in the market…torturous things. So he took his own life to avoid torture. Grell thought him very brave…much more honorable than his own death. Alan simply smiled and told him how brave he was to break away from that horrible man. _

_ Alan was a very sweet man. He had a smooth complexion and barely darker skin tone because of his Asian descent. He had high cheek bones and whenever he smiled, he had cute little dimples which Eric fell in love with. At the time joined them he had long brown hair much like Grell's was. But he decided to cut it as a symbol of his new life. It was now just above his ears. Grell agreed that a new life means a new change. He then change his hair color to a bright red (his absolute favorite) and he caught his hair a little longer than Alan's, right under his ears._

_ Grell excelled in the Dispatch academy as an A average student _**(apparently an A, a B, and a C average out to that)**_. He was absolutely excited to start his first mission and really spill some blood. But he was given a partner, a much younger Will with less tamable hair. Grell claimed he was insulted that he work with a B average partner _**(seriously, all B's is a B average but an A, B, and C equal A average? Who measures this? Go check out the Black Butler OVA the story of Will the reaper if you don't believe me!)**_! But really he just wanted to work alone. Will was as much fun to work with as he was now! However, he was very shy and paid careful attention to the victim they were about to have. He wanted his first mission to be perfect._

_ Along the way though, Grell realized that Will was a very smart, logical man who taught him a lot of things. After they collected the information from their first soul, Grell and Will were actually decent friends. Will taught (or tried to teach) him about organization and gave me useful tips when seeking information on their victims. Grell fully enjoyed their talks and would try to get him to go ditch a job. Will was still a workaholic but he would be flexible when it came to Grell. But that all changed when Will was promoted to manager head of the dispatch. He and Grell rarely socialized anymore except when he was scolding him about work. It was like he became a different person…everyone saw it._

And now Grell was stuck in his office doing piles and piles of paperwork. He felt even worse from the beating he took. When Will slapped him, it left a dark, stinging bruise on his left cheek (it would take so much makeup to cover!). His words had hurt him even more. Despite being a constant flirt, Grell never really fooled around with every man he met! He had more class than that!

Grell's young apprentice, Ronald Knox came by to check on his boss. "Hey Sutcliff senpai," Ronald said sitting on his superior's desk, "I heard what happened. You okay?"

Grell sighed, "It's nothing new…I'm a whore, irresponsible, no conversing with demons…you know the drill."

"But still! That gave him no right to hit you! Eric said that when Undertaker senpai was running this place, physical punishment was not allowed. You should go to the higher ups about this!"

"They won't listen to me Ronnie. They've had to deal with me on a normal basis…I just…" the redhead tried his hardest to stop a rush of tear, but the pain from physical and mental abuse didn't help. "Grell senpai, you're tired," said Ronald putting a supporting hand on his shoulder, "You've been at this for a couple hours. Why don't you go home and take it with you?"

"B…but it's my shift!" Grell replied. "Well he can't get at you for not doing any work. I'll even cover for you. Come on boss, let me do this for you! I'll check you out and everything!"

Grell smiled. Ronald could be so childish sometimes, but he was always someone who understood him. He did not want him to take the wrap, but he figured Ronald usually did a good job of covering for him when he got sick. "Thank you sweetie," he said hugging the boy. He then stroked his hair. "That black really make your hair look uneven. You know your roots are on the top of your hair right?"

Ronald had light blond hair while the bottom in the back was black. "Well sometimes red hair fades and you end up looking like a clown!"

"Oh Ronnie!" the red head playfully smacked him on the shoulder, "You're terrible! But…thank you…so much for this…you have no idea."

"No problem boss."

And with that, Grell picked up one huge stack of paperwork and walked to his apartment. While he lived in an okay neighborhood, Grell's home was really more of a studio with his bed being in his living room with a plain kitchen on the side. The only other room in the house was the bathroom. Grell really wished he could add some spark with lots of red, but his rent was almost up and he'd have to find another home soon. Grell set his work on the cherry wood nightstand next to his full-sized bed and flopped down. Why did Will always have to do this to him?

Grell was about to get started on his paperwork, when something fell out of his purse. He recognized it as a rose pendant that Will gave him for being promoted to an official officer. Grell held the treasure in his hand and a wave of emotion came through. Warm tears feel out at the memory of a life before his friend became a stranger and a monster. He threw the pendant against the other side of the room and cried so hard he shivered as he gripped onto his bed. What was wrong with him that he had to deal with so many people hurting him?! The pain he felt was in his stomach, his head, and mostly in his heart. Here comes the pain again, he had to do something.

So Grell started his normal routine. He undressed and turned on the shower. His body was very thin and not as firm as it used to be. All over his arms and legs were scars. Even one his stomach and upper chest. While this would not help in the long run, it made Grell feel numb to it all in the moment. He stepped into the shower and let the razor bride swipe across his thigh. As soon as he saw blood, a wave of heat and relief came over him. He then continued to shower until his scratch healed up. He put on his silky red robe and laid in bed, numb. Will was right…what was wrong with him? Grell was just trash and gunk under his feet so what point did he have in life. Finally, after the mental beatings stopped, Grell fell asleep.

**~~~I know this got a little dark, but I feel this is a good lee way (if thats how you spell it) to the rest of the story. My poor Grelly. I swear I don't enjoy him in pain but thats how the story goes. Please be nice. Again this is my first story so be gentle. I swear it will get better. I will publish more soon :)**


	3. Regret

**Disclaimer: Sorry for the long wait! It's just you know Christmas and holidays and stuff. Plus internet was being a pain and I couldn't stop the writer's block! Anyways you know the drill. Artem, Lilly, and Devnet are the only original characters of mine in this story plus back stories. Everything else including Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji is owned by the great Yana Toboso.**

Grell woke up the next day rested enough, but for the first time was petrified to go to work. The dramatic increase in work load was the least of his fears. He really pissed Will off this time around and had to walk on egg shells even more now. His heart was racing and he felt sick to his stomach with nerves. He needed something to calm him down. As tears fell, Grell ran into the bathroom grabbing a razor. He rolled his sleeve up and dragged the razor against his upper arm. He was no longer able to dramatically feel the pain, so as soon as he saw blood his body relaxed. He then created two more long marks underneath it feeling a warmth come back. A crazy thought went through his head, _maybe by punishing myself before work, I will try harder and work professionally so as to not upset Will_. It was a ridiculous notion, but it made enough sense to him. When his arm had stopped bleeding, he pulled himself together, made his hair presentable and walked to work.

Will's POV~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another fast paced day at work. Good lord it seems his employees have become so completely careless these days. Because of the incident with Sutcliff, a file was reported towards Will (of course by the dramatic red head himself most likely…). When he went to defend himself to the higher ups for simply putting his associate in line, they felt Will had been overworked and was acting out for overworking. For that, his punishment (only in Will's eyes) was two weeks off and hopes of seeing improvements in his attitude. On his final day before vacation, Will rushed to get as much done as he could and more. Honestly, besides Humphries and Slingby, he was the only reaper who gave a damn about his duties!

Luckily Sutcliff had not strutted by his office once…this is a good start, Will thought copying down the names of a young couple who had been in an unfortunate carriage accident. Good thing the Shinigami world had just started using automobiles…Just as he had placed everything in its file, there was a knock on his door. "Sir, may I come in?" said Alan. "Yes Humphries. Do you need anything?" said Will setting out a chair for him.

"No sir…I just want to ask if I could go home a little early today…mine and Eric's anniversary…" Normally Will would not let such a ridiculous notion pass as a reason to leave work, but he had a soft spot for Alan. He had been cursed with a disease that struck many Shinigami, the curse of thorns. This happened often from a traumatic life or death as a human, but the cause was still unknown. It's basically like cancer in humans. But despite his illness, Alan still continued to work and progress well which Will admired. "Very well Humphries," he said nodding, "Just be sure that you and Slingby complete at least one reaping job today."

The lighter brunette nodded. "And sir? I wanted to ask…how is Grell doing? He isn't himself this morning." Will rolled his eyes, "Like it's any concern of mine. As long as he isn't slacking then he should be feeling fine."

"It seems like that's all you care about," said Alan glaring at him, "He got sick this morning and had to go to the nurse's office! The nurse said it's may be from stress and gave him office duty."

"Probably another 'fainting spell'," said Will getting annoyed, "You shouldn't always take him seriously. Sutcliff has a tendency to over act."

"So is that why he puked his guts all over the nurse's assistant and had low sugar levels? He was shivering for a while and for SOME reason was adamant that you not find out he felt this way and wanted to stay and work! Grell never wants to work in the office! You know he's afraid of you!"

Will's brow twitched a little. He never would admit it, but it did worry him that Grell wanted to stay at work despite being sick. "Is that all Humphries?" he said straightening up and heading to the library. Alan followed him and said, "You know sir, I'm the one who sent the complaint! You mistreat Grell all the time more than anyone and you need to calm the fuck down! Everyone's just too chicken shit to say anything to you!"

Will was rather surprised at the language Alan used, but it did strike a chord with him. He wanted people to be intimidated by him so they would get their bloody work done around here! But hearing how Grell was fairing…no! He would not feel sorry for the poor bastard! "Excuse me Humphries may I remind you who you are talking to?" he said, "Maybe you take pity on the bastard but I sure don't! If someone steps out of line they need to learn a lesson. It's people like you who let all the slackers walk over you!

"Oy!" he heard Alan's angry Scottish boyfriend, "Watch yer tone before ya send someone else to tha emergency room!" Eric put his arm protectively around Alan.

"Alan…look I'm sorry…but…"

"No! Yer not talkin' to him right now!" "Eric really it's ok…" "No! Just cause he's always got a sour way about him doesn't mean we let him get away with everything! Don't ya fuckin' raise yer voice to Grell or my lov again or I'll handle ya like a real man! Come on lov…let's get ya somethin' to eat." With that he led Alan away to the cafeteria.

Will was unspeakably angry, so close to putting Eric on his shit list! He dug through his drawer and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He started to chug it down feeling the familiar burning liquid run down his throat. What no one knew was that William T. Spears…head of the Shinigami Dispatch of Great Britain and Northern Ireland…was an alcoholic. Why wouldn't he be? He was faced with the time consuming job of being sure that all reapers, rookies and all, were getting their work done and done efficiently. Plus…yes he knew that everyone feared him. He liked it that way so he wouldn't get stomped on all the time. He felt it was a way to please his superiors…even though they too saw him as a power crazed monster.

_Will wasn't always such a stiff upper classman. Unlike most in his division, he was born a Shinigami. As a matter of fact, he was born of two male Shinigami and how they discovered that male reapers can indeed get pregnant. From an evolutionary perspective, the population of Shinigami is dramatically lower than that of humans and it was said that Death itself gave this gift to these creatures to help their population thrive. So the maternal father would grow female organs necessary to support a new life for a temporary time. When his parents found out, they tried for months and eventually had a baby boy, William Taylor Spears._

_ He had a very happy childhood. His fathers were both scholars constantly learning about their race and therefore passed on an intelligent mind. They lived in the human world so it was obviously very strange for everyone when they see a child with two fathers. Plus, his maternal father, Artem, looked quite feminine with long white hair and a cute dainty figure, so he could pass as his mother at times. But they lived in a good neighborhood away from the temperamental bigots of the world. They sent their son to the very best of schools that would help his mind thrive. While going to school with humans, they taught him of their own race and all the power of life and death. They had even taken Will on a couple of reaping missions. While it would greatly disturb and maybe sicken most on their first missions, it fascinated Will. Being able to see the whole life of souls was his way of truly experiencing people. Plus, Artem and Devnet had a way of reaping souls that did not always cause a mess so it was not as scary to a child. Devnet always said that "a clean body shows respect"._

_ When William was 16, he graduated high school and went to the dispatch academy. He decided he wanted to stick with and stay in his homeland and chose to stay with the Shinigami Dispatch of the United Kingdom __**(until of course Southern Ireland became independent in the early 20**__**th**__** century, then the name was changed…a little history lesson…)**__. Unfortunately, in a fit of rage by the superior at the time, Artem was killed after being drowned in a lake. The official was executed and Shinigami officials were no longer allowed to use physical punishment. Will hated himself for doing the same for Grell…looking back…he was just like that evil man who killed his mother…Devnet was not the same afterwards and never remarried. Worried for his father, William bought him a quiet house in the Shinigami realm in his native home of Southern Ireland __**(now just known as Ireland…ok I'll stop with the history lesson…)**__ where he came to visit as often as he could. His father died peacefully holding a picture of his love that he would soon see in his afterlife._

_ William hoped he would find someone to make himself as happy as he knew his mother made his father. Of course back then, it was hard for a gay man to safely be with another man as his parents did. So, while staying in London, Will found himself a woman, Lilly, he thought was very nice and made great company for him. Because she was human, Will savored every moment he shared with her even growing to love her. She was his best friend, knowing all his little tics. Will felt that despite not being attracted to women, Lilly's personality and ways about her would bring that out for him. Eventually he summoned up the courage to propose to her. They were very happy and took their time planning a small wedding._

_ One day, he decided to go pick out some flowers for the occasion and came across a quiet, small little floral shop surrounded by the mix beautiful fragrant scents. He walked inside looking at the lilies, violets, daisies, and tulips. He was unsure of what flower would make the right choice for such an important day on his life. "Anything in particular you're looking for?" he heard a voice say. He turned around and was faced with one of the most beautiful faces he'd ever seen (he felt guilty for thinking that)._

_ This beautiful man, about his age, had a very feminine figure. Curves that gave him an almost hourglass figure. He had yellow-green eyes that seemed to hold a double iris but sparkled like a field on a spring day. His tiny, pointed nose gave him an almost faerie look. He had long, straight chestnut brown hair put back in a red bow and ending in the middle of his back. "Umm sir?" he said his eyes showing concern._

_ "Uhh…"Will started frustrated with himself being unable to find words. Plus the fact that he was an engaged man. "Oh yes! You see…I'm getting married and well…my fiancée likes white or violet flowers. So umm…well…I like these ones!" Will pointed to some white lily of the valleys in perfect bloom. "Good choice sir," said the faerie man, "I'll ring you up." Will had no idea what to do…why was his chest thumping so much? He wasn't supposed to feel this way towards anyone but his betrothed! After a quick thank you, Will carried his bouquet of flowers back home to give to Lilly._

_ That night while preparing a meal, Lilly glanced over at Will with a deep concern. "William?" she said, "Is everything alright? You have been quiet all day." Will looked up from his book on a page he had been on for at least half an hour. "Uh…no dear. Just a long day. Nerves about the wedding…" Lilly knew him well enough to know that it wasn't just nerves. But she let it slide not wanting to press him any further. "Do you think they will be enough?" asked Will, "Maybe I should have gotten more…"_

_ "I suppose I wouldn't mind having some more violets or lavender. Lavender has such a nice scent to it." Will saw this as an opportunity to prove to himself that he didn't have eyes for anyone but Lilly. Once he saw the flower man, he would just tell himself to keep his innocent thoughts. Easy right? Wrong. It turns out the beautiful man had quite a charming personality as well. He was very interested in foreign languages and besides English spoke German and French very fluently. He also had a deep appreciation for the arts and literature. They both shared a love of the work of Edgar Allen Poe (though Will did not really share his love for Shakespeare)._

_ This became almost a habit for him. He had more than enough flowers for the wedding, but in the end…he just had to come visit this beautiful flower. Any woman would have suspected right away when their fiancé bails on a few dates, but Lilly seemed to look the other way…it was almost as if she knew…but it didn't seem to bother her. On the month before the approaching wedding, Will decided to give his friend one last visit…he knew in the end that it had to stop. He was to be a married man soon._

_ "Well since the wedding is approaching, I was wondering if you could help me find a final set of flowers," he said with a warm smile. The faerie brunette frowned disappointed. "Oh yes…you'll be so busy with married life…you won't need to come here anymore…" An awkward silence was left between the two. The feminine man then gave a soft smile. "I have just what you need!" He went to the back of the shop then came out five minutes later with a small group of white orchids, with one red one in the middle._

_ "Orchids are special flowers. While everyone uses roses typical of a wedding, I would prefer using an orchid. Besides that a bit of red can do wonders to liven things up and make them unique." Will smiled holding the flowers close…unique…just like his flower…no! This was wrong! And with that, he gave what he never knew was his final goodbye…_

_ As if to punish him for such a horrid act, Lilly had caught pneumonia and was bedridden the day after Will left the flower shop. Her condition got worse and worse over time and the doctor said there was nothing more he could do. In Lilly's final hour, she reached to the orchid flowers on her bedside and pulled out the red orchid. She opened Will's hand and put it in his palm. "Find her…" she said, "Find her…I promise you will…" Will wish he knew what she was talking about but held onto the orchid. With that, her eyes slowly closed and she went into a deep peaceful sleep. When Will felt for her pulse, he felt nothing and cried laying his head on her chest. This was all his felt…maybe she found out and the betrayal killed her. He felt extreme guilt for not loving her the way he should have…she deserved everything…_

Ever since then, Will took to have alcohol to calm himself. When Grell joined the dispatch and he realized just who was part of his division, he tried to avoid him in the beginning. He of course could not blame him, but it brought on too many memories of a time he nearly strayed from Lilly. When they were made partners of course he could not avoid it. But he was able to forget when Grell underwent a whole new look and attitude. It was like he knew a different person. And at that point it became easier when he felt even an inkling of liking for the now red head. But he changed…while he did enjoy his time with his partner, once he was promoted he felt a higher calling that he needed to tend to. He wanted his parents to be proud and so he devoted his whole time to work. Of course, this made him much more reserved and closed off which would of course scare Grell away. He knew that was why the redhead would throw himself at the foul demon…it was all attention.

Today had been a stressful day and after becoming a little more buzzed he decided to leave early. He decided to go into Grell's office and see how he was doing considering how hurt he was. Will found Grell asleep on his floor with a big pile of paperwork on his side. Ugh why did he have to get so mean to get Grell to comply? As if he was offering some token of apology, Will removed his jacket and put it over Grell. He knew he had to apologize eventually, but tonight…he wanted to forget his problems.

After leaving Grell's office, he met Ronald in the halls. "Ronald, I'm leaving to early," he said, "Please close down today." He knew how irresponsible the boy was but at this point he didn't care. "R…really sir?" the blond said surprised, "Well uhh…you got it!" And with that Will took off home where he eventually drank whiskey until he passed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~**There a nice long chapter to make up for all the lost time. Also, from reading other fanfics and researching, I realize the way I depicted is not how the Curse of Thorns works. I have only seen bits and pieces of the musical so I didn't know. But I liked the way I depicted it so if that bothers you I am sorry. Secondly, I know the canon is that Will's middle name is Thomas. But I like the way William Taylor Spears sounds. It's so cute! And finally, if I have depicted cutting in a wrong light, I am sorry as I cant ever know of the process and emotion behind cutting. I am sorry if I offend anyone. By the way, this story is a revamped version of my fanfic on DeviantArt. It wasn't that good but if you wanna check it out my name is ScandinavianWolf. Please be nice with reviews. I promise there will be more!**


	4. Broken

**Disclaimer: Look out for feels in this chapter! Sorry it has been so long, but school started again and all the reading takes away the creative juices a little bit. I promise I will try to get more in in less time. Again, all the characters here except for Lilly and Tochi belong to Yana Toboso creator of Kuroshitsuji. Rated M for content, plus smut in later chapters. If you are not a yaoi fan and/or can't stand mpreg do not read further.**

Grell woke up around 5 am the next day. Had he really been so exhausted that he slept so long? He was a bit achy from sleeping on the stiff floor but this did not bother him in the least. What he did find odd was that he slept with a blanket he did not remember having with him. Once he removed it from around his shoulders, he realized it was not a blanket but a uniform jacket. From the familiar scent, he knew it was Will's! Taking in the familiar aroma and sighing with delight, the red reaper gave a big sharp grin at Will's generosity. But at the same time he felt conflicted and these conflicts in his brain caused the grin to fade. Will was angry with him! And whenever he was angry with someone he'd either be on them really hard or ignore them altogether. Will should have shaken him awake and yelled at him for napping on the job! What was going on? He'd figure this out eventually but was still too afraid to find him and question him.

For now, it was time he head home for a couple of hours before he had to deal with an incredibly long shift. Grell put on the long red trench coat he took from Madame Red and left his office at the end of the hall. As he came towards the elevator, he noticed Ronald standing there as well holding a cold compress to his head. "Ronald?" said Grell walking to his young subordinate, "Are you okay?"

"No worries," said Ronald a little quieter than usual, "Just a little headache from the party we had last night. Didn't you hear anything?"

"No! I fell asleep and I guess I slept the whole night through. And since when did William let you have a party?"

"Well uhh…he didn't 'let' me have a party per say…but he did tell me I could close down. I figured when do we ever get the boss away from the office?"

Grell sighed unable to get angry at the young man who was like a son to him. He was surprised Ronald didn't get the same dealt to him that Grell did. "Well thank you for telling me…hopefully I can have a long enough break at home before he gets back."

He and Ronald both got into the elevator. There first stop was on the second floor where the cafeteria was. Ronald was about to get out but then stopped the door. "Oh and uhh…Grell?" he said, "…Will has a problem…I think he's an alcoholic. I see him with bottles in his office all the time. And last night I saw him walking home with a whiskey bottle in his hand. I know he really beat the shit out of you yesterday and well…I hope he gets the same dealt to him…but I'm still worried. I don't know if he got home alright. You know where he lives. Do you think maybe you could check on him?"

Grell sighed. "Oh I dunno Ronnie…I don't think he wants to see my face right now. And I don't know if he is an angry drunk."

"I know. If you are concerned I can ask Eric or Mister Undertaker to go with you. Please Grell…maybe this problem is why he's such an ass to everyone."

"Well you do have a good point. Alright I will slip by on my way home. If I need help I'll call them. Why don't you have Tochi make you some tea? He knows how to cure a hangover."

"You got it boss. Be careful." And with that, Ronald exited the elevator and headed over to Tochi, a retired Japanese Shinigami who barely spoke a word of English. Grell left to the lobby and headed outside to his gorgeous red Lamborghini. The Shinigami world was quite advanced in their technology than the current human world, almost as if they were on a different dimension. Grell loved that he didn't have to walk or lug around a smelly old horse drawn carriage.

Grell drove up to Will's drive way leading to a fairly sized two story house that was cream colored with green trim. He lived about a couple miles away from any houses at the end of a dirt road. He made quite a bit of money which was how he was able to obtain such a beautiful landscape. Because he was all alone out here, he had no need for any fences to separate him from other houses. Grell felt it sort of matched Will's personality in that he often wanted to be kept to himself, though not always a bad thing. How could such a cold, closed off man live in such a warm, inviting environment?

Nervously, Grell knocked on the door secretly hoping Will wouldn't answer. Seems that Grell got his wish because he did not even answer after a second and third knock. Out of the corner of Grell's eye, he noticed a brown ball bounce into view and was a little startled. But he then relaxed when he saw it was just Will's cinnamon colored, floppy eared pet rabbit (oops! I mean hare!) Marchy. Grell found it odd that he didn't have the animal inside with him when he got home from work. He picked up the floppy little fur ball, took a deep breath and did one slight tap before entering Will's home.

"Will?" Grell gently called setting Marchy on the floor. The house was so dark thanks to some long, dark curtains. He went over to get some light in the room and gently opened the curtains to the living room window. A small groan was heard causing Grell to jump and look behind him. There was Will, slumped across the couch, his uniform still on but messy. His usually slicked back hair was now loose and starting to frame his face and his glasses tilted at an awkward angle. Another whiskey bottle was down next to his dangling arm almost completely empty. What had happened to Will last night?

"William?" Grell kneeled next to Will scrunching his nose up at the scent of strong alcohol. He lightly patted the dark reaper's cheek. "Will, speak to me!" As he went to help him up, Will got up with a start and whacked heads with Grell. They both fell back holding their foreheads in pain. "Ugh…Sutcliff…what the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"I…I came to check on you," said Grell becoming a little scared, "A couple of us were worried about you…"

"Well thank you ever so much…" Will picked up the bottle preparing to drink it, but Grell quickly swiped it from his hand. "No! I think you've had enough! What is the matter with you?"

Will held his head at the noise and he swiped the bottle back. "My only problem is that my own damned coworkers won't mind their own business and leave me alone…Though if you must know, I had a little bit to drink last night."

"A little?! Will! A whole fucking bottle and what I heard some more back at work! Yeah that sure is just a little bit to drink!"

"Ugh…would you stop your damned screaming?! As if I don't have to deal with you enough as it is…did you ever stop to think that you are the one that causes my drinking? You and the rest of them but mostly you…"

Something inside Grell snapped. Instead of letting the warm tears he felt start falling, he decided to pull out the anger he had been holding back. This was it! "How dare you!" he screamed, "How fucking dare you insult me when I'm here trying to help you and make sure you're ok! I'm tired of taking your crap! You are cruel to me! Demeaning me, hitting me, embarrassing me! Well I refuse to let you pull me down even further! I can't believe I used to love you!" Both reapers' eyes widened at that statement. But Grell refused to hold back. "I refuse to work under you anymore! Things are going to change around here!"

"G…Grell…"

"No FUCK YOU! You will let me speak! I will never let you hurt me again! So go ahead and tell the higher ups just how horrible I am and just have them demote me to nothing! At least someone finally does something you ungrateful bastard! So if you want to be away from me then I'll just leave! I'd do fine in another dispatch outside of London!"

"G…Grell!" Will cried drowsily. His cheeks puffed a little and he sounded like he was about to choke. Grell reacted fast and quickly dragged Will to the bathroom. He started to vomit a little before he got to the toilet, some of the bile landing on Grell's shoe. Luckily, most ended up on target as Will practically buried his face in the toilet bowl. The red reaper grimaced and removed his soiled shoe with the tips of his fingers. Forgetting his own shallow thoughts, he leaned over to help will smooth some hair out of his face. The raven haired reaper looked up at him. "I…" but he could not finished as another wave hit him. Grell shushed him gently and sighed rubbing his back. With all the shit they had been through, he always found some sympathy for the guy. Maybe Ronald was right. Maybe this is why he has always been so cruel and cold to others.

Grell soaked a small rag in the sink and handed it to Will once he flushed. "You okay?"

"I…I thinkso…"said Will barely able to speak, his words slurring close together. He leaned against the wall his head throbbing like mad. He must have been in such sensitive moment because now all he wanted was affection. Closing his eyes, he collapsed leaning on Grell's side. Grell's eyes widened, holding still and not sure what to do. He then put an arm around Will's waist and hoisted him up on his feet. "Come on you need to rest." And as soon as Will's head hit the pillow, he passed out.

It was around noon when Will finally awoke. His head was still aching quite badly, but no worse than usual. The fact that this had become a routine to Will made him feel even more horrible about himself. Why couldn't he reach out to others? Why were people so afraid of him not to even look his direction? Why would he give them a reason to fear him? Looking over to see the clock, he silently cursed himself for being so late. But for once, he did not even feel well enough to go to work. So he decided to get his slippers on, get something for his head and come back to bed.

As he made his way to the kitchen, he noticed a familiar scent in the air. Vegetable soup? To his surprise, there was Grell with no shoes on, stirring a pot on the basic white stove. "Grell?" he said causing the red reaper to jump slightly almost dropping the ladle. "W…Will…" he started, "You're awake!" The brunette nodding remembering that Grell was indeed there this morning. He just did not expect him to be here still. "You made soup?"

"Oh yes…I figured you probably haven't had anything good in your stomach for a while. Besides I find this tastier than chicken noodle soup." Grell kept on as if nothing bad had gone on between them, but he tried to be quieter not giving Will another reason to complain.

"Didn't know you could cook…" said Will adjusting his glasses.

"Well it helps when there are directions on the cover," said Grell holding up the can, "You should go lay down it will be ready in a moment…then I will be out of your hair." Will had no idea why that bothered him, but he nodded thankful for the redhead's kindness and sat on his sofa rubbing his forehead a little. He noticed that Marchy was chewing on some alfalfa in his pen with some other produce sources next to him. He thought Grell couldn't stand animals. "You even took care of Marchy?"

"Well I found him wondering outside and I wasn't sure when he last ate so…"

"Thank you…" Grell's eyes widened hearing his superior again give him a rare appreciation. He sat next to Will handing him a bowl. "Well I don't really mind caring for clean animals…"

"No…thank you…for everything…you helped me get up this morning didn't you?" The redhead nodded still at a loss for words from the compliment. "Well thank you…I just wish you did not skip work to come here."

"My shift does not start until 3 and you know that! I didn't have to come here you know!"

Will held up his hand. "Please calm down…I am not upset at you. Of course I know you have the afternoon to late night shift."

"Graveyard and pre dusk shift as well now…"

"Right…again thank you. Thank you for helping me…"

"Well…a lot of us were worried you'd hurt yourself. Look I need to go." Just as Grell stood up Will grabbed his wrist, a little tighter than he intended. "No wait…" He loosened his grip when he saw the other flinch, "I need to tell you some things." Grell sat back down and Will sipped down his soup. Grell prepared himself for another lecture…perhaps another demotion or probation.

"I do drink…more than I should. It started when I lost my fiancée to pneumonia. But for a while I decided to stop out of respect for her…since I could not love her the way she wanted…When I was promoted I thought that alcohol would help me relax since the job was going to be so demanding. I thought it would help me relax around my co-workers, but it turns out that it only made them disrespect me more."

"I always respected you William," said Grell, "I may push the rules a little and I don't always like what you have to say. But I always thought you were a great reaper. It's so easy for you to think logically, unaffected by the lives you saw."

"I can't always shut away the sympathy I feel for victims," said Will looking at Grell, "I was just always taught that it was the natural order of life and death. So it is not so bad. And I really don't see any respect from anyone. No one does their duties anymore it's always an argument. I do what I am supposed to do and manage others, yet no one even bloody cares."

"We do care William," said Grell looking at him seriously, "It's the way you manage us that we argue about. Before our former higher ups, including Undertaker retired or became our council of elders they managed us well. People did as they were told because they were not belittled or chastised every moment of the day."

"So what am I supposed to do? Just let everyone do what they want and walk all over me? That won't work!"

"Why must things be so black and white with you? Leadership is not a choice between being a tyrant and doing nothing at all! It's about taking charge in a way that earns respect and shows your subordinates how to conduct themselves…"

Will sighed knowing the reaper was right. He knew that but his anger and frustration really got in the way of things. "You're right…I know…Since when did you get so smart?"

Grell could not help but blush a little, feeling Will loosen up. "There are different types of smart you know. I may not be book smart, but I do know people. Do you remember when you were up for promotion and I was worried being in a managerial position would change you? Well, you told me the same thing about leadership."

Will smiled a little, "Well I guess I should do as I say I will…Grell…I'm sorry. I know that I am the hardest on you. Is your face okay?"

"Well the bruising has almost completely faded…not like I didn't deserve it."

"No you didn't! You weren't doing anything wrong! But seeing you throwing yourself at that demon made me just…just…"

"What Will? What?"

"You know he can't stand you. He has made it clear many times that he lacks any interest in you!" Grell started to tear up a little. He knew that it was true but it really hurt coming from someone else. "I…I know…" he started rubbing his eyes.

"No…Grell I'm sorry…it has nothing to do with you. He is just cruel…he cannot see what he has…" Grell slowly looked up at him. "W…what he has?" Will did not say anything more. The room stayed silent until he finished his soup. The air became more awkward as he had no excuse as to why he would not answer. Grell finally broke the silence. "Will…what exactly does he have?"

Will sighed. "He has someone who is willing to do anything for him. Someone who looks on at him with admiration and attraction. Someone whom he will never be able to give the love that you deserve." Grell had no idea what to say. The words William spoke reminded him of a time he felt happy with a sense of belonging. The old Will whom he had come to respect as a partner and friend. Suddenly, the raven reaper became overcome with emotion. He had taken for granted the same love that Lilly felt for him that Grell did for Sebastian. Even how he may have felt for him years ago.

He covered his face with his hand and shook, tears pouring like a flooded dam from his eyes. He cried for all the people he hurt, Grell included. He lost all of his friends and the respect of his peers. He had no idea of how to run things without causing fear. How to deal with Grell. He cried over the fact that as much as he loved Lilly, he was not in love with her and put on a façade in order to keep the image up. His own fears of rejection caused him to lead her on. And Grell…Grell…the only person in his life he felt connected to was gone and now feared him. He put up with his abuse for so many years and was probably about to leave him for it. What is wrong with him? Why can't he give him the love he deserves?

Grell's heart was in knots at this shocking display of emotion from his boss. Tears fell from his own eyes, feeling so sorry for him. He wrapped his arms around Will allowing him to vent however he needed to. All he heard Will say was "Lilly", "sorry", "Grell, "failed". Will really was suffering and he knew only he could fix this. He would get back his old friend. He let Will cry on him for about an hour before the raven reaper passed out. Then the red reaper himself fell asleep with him.

**AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! There we go! Feels so good to finally finish a chapter! Again so sorry for the wait! Blame college! Much more will be in the future. Plus more happys coming up. Thank you and be nice as this is my first fanfic! ^-^**


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